The holiday season is here, bringing joy, celebration, and plenty of social activities. But it can also bring moments of tension, especially with family and friends. That’s why this month, we’re focusing on an essential skill: the 3-step communication formula for setting boundaries and handling uncomfortable situations. Paired with two follow-up steps, this skill helps you use your voice effectively—aligning with the Empowerment Self-Defense (ESD) principle of YELL.
Why this formula matters
We often think of boundaries as something we feel, but setting boundaries requires action—speaking up with clarity and confidence. Whether it’s a family member making an uncomfortable joke or a friend crossing a line, how you respond can either resolve the issue or allow it to persist. Using this formula not only protects your peace but models assertiveness, a core ESD principle.
The holiday season can be a time of joy but also a time of stress. Using your voice to set and maintain boundaries is a powerful way to reclaim control and protect your peace. It’s not just about stopping the behavior—it’s about showing yourself and others that you deserve respect. By following through, you reinforce your own sense of worth and build confidence in your ability to handle challenging situations.
Step-by-step guide
Step 1: Describe the Behavior
The first step is to describe the specific behavior causing discomfort, focusing on facts, not accusations.
❌ Instead of: “You’re being a jerk.”
✅ Try: “When you joke about my weight…”
This approach avoids defensiveness and keeps the focus on the behavior, not the person.
Step 2: Share How It Makes You Feel (Optional)
Sharing your feelings builds empathy and helps you connect to your own emotions. It also adds context to why the behavior is problematic.
Example: “When you joke about my weight, it makes me feel hurt and embarrassed.”
While optional, this step can be powerful in showing vulnerability while maintaining control.
Step 3: Ask for What You Want
Be clear and specific about what change you’d like to see. Vague requests can lead to confusion or excuses.
❌ Instead of: “Stop doing that.”
✅ Try: “Please don’t joke about my appearance.”
Direct communication shows you value yourself and your boundaries.
What If They Don’t Respect Your Boundary?
Not everyone will honor your request, which is why the next two steps are critical.
Step 4: Share What You’ll Do if Your Boundary is Ignored
Communicate the consequences if your boundary isn’t respected. Be realistic and choose an action you’re willing to follow through on.
Example: “If this continues, I’ll spend time with other people who respect me.”
This shifts the focus from controlling their behavior to asserting your own choices, empowering you to take charge of the situation.
Step 5: Follow Through on Your Action
If the behavior persists, stick to your word. This demonstrates you’re serious about your boundaries and helps reinforce your self-respect.
Example: If they continue making hurtful jokes, step away from the conversation or choose not to spend time with them during the holidays.
Putting It All Together
Here’s how the full formula might sound:
“When you joke about my weight, it makes me feel hurt. Please don’t make comments about my appearance. If this continues, I’ll spend time with other people who respect me.”
If the behavior persists, follow through with your plan.
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